experience
all things with the enthusiasm of a child,
as if you were seeing it for the first time.
always aware.
always new.
i was reminded again recently what great zen masters children can be…
calling into question all of our bs and stripping us bare of all of our notions of having any answers or control…
reminding us that all we have to work with
is. right. now.
oh that i would have the courage to listen and live into this wisdom more often…
but i continue to seek to be open, to listen…
remembering to breathe deeply, be present, soak in the spring sun…
even if it is only occasionally…hopefully those occasions will increase as i open to welcome them.
I get up, and nothin’ gets me down
You got it tough, I’ve seen the toughest around
And I know, baby, just how you feel
You got to roll with the punches and get to what’s real…
Ah, might as well jump. Jump!
Might as well jump
Go ahead an’ jump. Jump!
Go ahead and jump
Ow-oh! Hey, you! Who said that? Baby, how you been?
You say you don’t know, you won’t know until you begin…
Ah, might as well jump. Jump!
Go ahead and jump
Might as well jump. Jump!
Go ahead and jump
Jump!…
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
-lyrcis by van halen (with a few choruses excluded by me)…
and so he did…over and over again on our most recent venture to the sand pits.
it is so good to see him play, risk, adventure, radiating life.
when does this stop being our natural and preferred tendency.
when do we start calculating the cost of jumping and concluding it is not worth the energy…or when do we lose the energy to do so?
“we may not land right, get it quite right, or the outcome may not be quantifiable or productive”…
might as well jump!
this notion of failure
and the fear of it
binds
creating stagnation
motionlessness
what if…
what if there is no such thing
even more so when ones life is lived for the good of the world
what if any move that is made toward serving the world
is victory
each step forward a gift
even if full fruit is not born
there is no lesser action than inaction
in the act of not acting is where this notion of “failure” is is most likely found
so risk may be the only option
and what if…
instead of constructing a framework of “risk”
we may see each step as a beautiful and wild adventure
Filed under: adventuring, being mama, getting outside, learning, playing with photos
the difficulty is…in this moment…the sacred hour in the day when the busy bean rests…where do i plant my feet “now” in order to simply “be”.
jeremiah is conscientious of this being time for mama to have space and he is taking his own…so it is quiet.
and presently being here now is very loaded for me you see.
i did a bit of yoga…but was impatient with the process and could not turn the to-do list off…as many of those things indeed are things that are challenging to do when the bean is up in action…and having to seize the business day hours….with knowing that my energy level at night is minimal (if at all) these days…
i want to write, i want to create, i want to read, i want to have quiet…un-interupted.
and yes there are ways to integrate all of these desires throughout my day, with kiddos under foot and maybe there is peace to be found in this season in that, as that is where i most often am. and this shifting has reminded me that there is an amazing amount of beauty found in that…being present to what is vs. spending energy wishing for a shift of circumstance.
and there is wisdom to be found in looking at “the interruption”…something to hear in it.
oh what to do with this binding notion that i must be effective, efficient, patient, conscientious, flexible, as well as accomplished (all in measurable, simultaneous,and quantifiable ways) to be proven valuable…or rather to prove to myself that i have value?
what a harsh, unforgiving boss i am to myself at times.
so here i am. now. trying to minimize my expectations of outcome…letting go of this notion that it can somehow be controlled.
here are some photos of our snow shoe outing earlier today…at the abandoned “green house” in the woods that we often venture to explore.
Filed under: adventuring, getting outside, mama being, why not give it a try
jeremiah has been wondering when he would be able to have a “real pretend gun”, since he knew of there existence, which has been for awhile…the truth is up until a couple of weekends ago i didn’t know if i would ever feel comfortable with it. we have wrestled through this issue and run the gamete…from no pretending with guns at all, to only for hunting (with “handmade weapons”), to justin discovering his old red rider bee-bee gun in his parent’s attic and after some discussion and additional r&d his gifting it to jeremiah…
oh what a day that was! and of coarse, it is a highly supervised activity, and kept out of reach when an adult cannot accompany his play for now…but he could not be happier…
this in many ways is counter-intuitive for me…and i continue to wrestle with how to best parent this young boy navigating his “natural” impulses and his way in the world.
i found this podcast entitled “Play, Spirit, and Character” on speaking of faith to be a really profound commentary on play and also helpful in my continued tensions with my son wanting to “bear arms”…
“Stuart Brown, a physician and director of the National Institute for Play, says that pleasurable, purposeless activity prevents violence and promotes trust, empathy, and adaptability to life’s complication. He promotes cutting-edge science on human play, and draws on a rich universe of study of intelligent social animals”. he also addresses the often perceived “violent” or “aggressive” play of boys as being a necessary tool for them to work out their way in the world and in no way does research indicate that this kind of play results in increased violence perpetrated by adult men, actually there are indications for the opposite being true…though not conclusive, some food for thought for sure.
i have felt more comfortable these days encouraging the warrior in jeremiah (though we continue to emphasize the importance of not hurting others…the focus being more on tapping into his ability and power to “save the world” or at least make it a better and safer place)…something i think we all need to be encouraged in.
…the retreat was a rich, full journey indeed, the depths of the impact are still and will continue to be unfolding within and without me…
for now i will attempt to give you a glimpse of my time…
such power was found and reflected in the stories of the women who gathered…space was made among us to live brilliantly, without apology and with generous welcome.
one of the workshops i attended was called “Writing from Within: Becoming the Midwife of Your Own Journey” facilitated by this amazing woman. we explored the “hero(ine’s) journey” and particularly focused on entering into ”the abyss”, that represents the greatest challenge of the heroine’s journey, here is where the heroine is asked to identify and go on to slay “the/her dragon”.
though i am sure that i have not fully identified all of the ins and outs of my dragon, i do know that what i know of it has indeed kept me from living out the fullness of my gift to the world. the nut shell version (or at least a hint) of my dragon can be found here…
that dragon was around this weekend, but didn’t seem to have much power over me, and i thankfully managed to see and trust that this dragon is being/ and will continue to be slayed with intention…
it was a deep blessing to be in the midst of such beautiful women who are each seeking in their own ways to live out their fullest potential, indeed it was inspiring, encouraging, and life giving.
i was lended the courage not to hide and i am thankful.
this amazing woman wrote a post about the weekend. as did this one. i am hoping to post a link to some photos soon…
giving birth can offer such a powerful opportunity for transformation…
having profoundly experienced this through, during, and after giving birth
my desire is to nurture and support that for other mamas and families…
i am now in the midst of my doula certification and hoping to be…
“.one who nurtures & encourages the welcoming of emerging & new life.
.as a doula providing physical,
emotional & informational
support to women & families
before, during, and after birth.
.hoping to cultivate opportunities for others to discover their boundless
potential, beauty, & power.”
i am also hoping to post on this emerging blog (mama emerging) as the doula venture unfolds…
Filed under: adventuring, self-portraiture experiment, student being, why not give it a try
i am gearing up for this retreat next weekend entitled ”homecoming: a women’s retreat”… created and hosted by this amazingly inspiring woman: lael couper jepson… “an organization development consultant and coach who has built her career on bringing the art and science of change and transition to individuals, groups and organizations“…
i anticipate much transformation will ensue…
lael asked me to prepare a bit of a bio that follows…
who i am…a human (woman, partner, lover, mama, daughter, sister, friend, seeker, adventurer, creator) emerging…
seeking to courageously navigate the rich complexity of the journey, while learning to trust and welcome the unfolding…
i have found a new kind of grounding more recently (however and always shifting)…what i like to think of as dynamic rootedness…feeling settled in a way i never have and also able to live out from that rootedness in a more flexible and open way…to this evolving, redefining, and refining process of living.
what i am doing in the world…in the midst of a season of much opening, for which i am grateful…
presently working with families and children who have been diagnosed with developmental disabilities, parenting two beautiful beings, experimenting with a homeschooling venture, cultivating time to nurture the urgings to co-create, yoga practitioner, in the midst of doula certification…
all framed in a deep desire to support others in discovering their boundless potential, power, and beauty.
why I said yes to “she changes”…in the posture of this season of brilliant change…as i daily intend much courage to continue to say yes…
in light of reckoning with my tendency to get caught up in and pre-occupied by the hurdles of life (primarily the internal deficits and struggles) vs. opening to the gifts that are i am finding freedom to encounter life as a limitless adventure…
consciously making peace with my being human…with my inability to maximize all values and hopes simultaneously…welcoming my “imperfection” and even seeing it as gift…
my saying “yes” to this time is a gesture of deeply welcoming the unfolding without judgment…consciously opening to the opportunity to continue to trust and grow for the sake of the world…
p.s. (registration is open until wednesday:)!
Filed under: adventuring, getting outside, learning, thirty days of thanksgiving
thankful for slow days…
we had one yesterday and they are so very rare these days…and it is even more rare that i can slow down to enjoy them…my internal clock seems to be wound quite tight with the juggling act that life can be…
after our biking adventure…we were able to make some cards out on the deck and i was suddenly struck with an awareness…
that i have been glimpsing something that has been so rare for me… i had to find a piece to scrap paper to write it down… i was struck with the realization that i have had so much difficulty being present for so long… due in part to many variables…
my not knowing deep contentment, my not knowing how to welcome myself and all of my unfolding (extending grace to everyone but myself), and my perception of myself having not “arrived”, (in a nutshell not really liking myself)… i was struck in that moment that i was truly savoring myself and the present in the present…”not subconsciously pre-occupied with the thought that the green was bound to be greener somewhere else even in that moment”…
i know my interaction with this awareness will continue to eb and flow and that i certainly have not fully “arrived” (whatever that means) but somehow I am making peace with the unfolding…welcoming what arises…being mindful about not beating myself up for where i am in the present…and continuing to be gentle on myself.
thank you for those of you who have welcomed me on this journey as well… i am indeed very thankful for each of you.
as an expression of gratitude i would like to have a card give away…if you leave a comment on this post your name will be entered into a drawing to be drawn a week from today (9/25) for two blank cards out of my emerging collection… i would love to hear what you all are thankful for these days…
