experience
all things with the enthusiasm of a child,
as if you were seeing it for the first time.
always aware.
always new.
with the intention to notice the beauty that fills my life…
jeremiah was engaged in creating one of his many inventions and (as is usually the case) had to make a mad dash to the to the bathroom (due to his general tendency to wait until the very last moment)…
…from the bathroom he makes this inquiry…
“mom, what do you is more important learning or going to the bathroom?”
“what do you think?” (i reply)
and he concludes…
“the bathroom…or maybe learning is is a weensie bit more important…but i think papa is a good problem solver because he reads when he goes to the bathroom.”
Filed under: adventuring, being mama, getting outside, learning, playing with photos
the difficulty is…in this moment…the sacred hour in the day when the busy bean rests…where do i plant my feet “now” in order to simply “be”.
jeremiah is conscientious of this being time for mama to have space and he is taking his own…so it is quiet.
and presently being here now is very loaded for me you see.
i did a bit of yoga…but was impatient with the process and could not turn the to-do list off…as many of those things indeed are things that are challenging to do when the bean is up in action…and having to seize the business day hours….with knowing that my energy level at night is minimal (if at all) these days…
i want to write, i want to create, i want to read, i want to have quiet…un-interupted.
and yes there are ways to integrate all of these desires throughout my day, with kiddos under foot and maybe there is peace to be found in this season in that, as that is where i most often am. and this shifting has reminded me that there is an amazing amount of beauty found in that…being present to what is vs. spending energy wishing for a shift of circumstance.
and there is wisdom to be found in looking at “the interruption”…something to hear in it.
oh what to do with this binding notion that i must be effective, efficient, patient, conscientious, flexible, as well as accomplished (all in measurable, simultaneous,and quantifiable ways) to be proven valuable…or rather to prove to myself that i have value?
what a harsh, unforgiving boss i am to myself at times.
so here i am. now. trying to minimize my expectations of outcome…letting go of this notion that it can somehow be controlled.
here are some photos of our snow shoe outing earlier today…at the abandoned “green house” in the woods that we often venture to explore.
Filed under: being mama
a little experiment:
start time 1/14 at 12:30 p.m.
end time 1/14 at 1:25 p.m.
How fast does a rocket go?
How do they make soap?
How does celery clean your blood?
Can it be done?
Is that half of the carrot?
I eated one celery and half a carrot and the whole sandwich didn’t i do good?
What was going on in there?
When did she fall asleep?
Are these regular?
Is this made of seeds?
What if you were a bumble bee?
Do you think I would be a bumble bee too?
If I was a bumble bee do you think when after I am a teenager will I be the king instead of the queen?
Have you ever lived in China?
What?
Some things you can’t put back together huh(…like papa’s tape that broke)?
Do you know what comes after 5 on this thing?
What else mom?
Can you help me mom?
How do you know?
See how that gets bigger and bigger and bigger?
What if I didn’t have socks on when I put my boots on?
See how this works?
Mom, where did you put the pile of snowflakes we made?
Can you help me with my zipper?
26 questions in less than an hour…
he is ever so curious indeed;)
this is something i have really been intending to re-direct myself back to.
to be intentional about sitting in and being present to.
it is really hard at times.
especially when i am feeling snowed in, literally and figuratively.
it has been intense recently, overwhelmingly intense even, and i find myself wanting out.
in the past 13 years i have moved approximately 19 times…between 3 different countries and 7 different states.
each move was intentional, not casual…there was a loaded hope and desire to be “faithful” to life and all of the variables in it…
and i have come to realize that in my becoming more rooted (intentionally) how part of that hope was that i would arrive in that greener place, but i found when i landed, somehow that brilliance of the grass had faded and it was suddenly more appealing “next door”. i have awoken to the color of the landscape being a reflection of my own fertility so to speak…and my hope and desire is to cultivate and mindfully nurture the place where i am in life NOW.
even when it feels really hard and i start to wish this and that away and wish this or that into being.
we built a rocket and i may just go for a ride to the moon (aka our living room)…the trick (or one of them anyways) is being present even in the escape…to know peace in the midst of resistance, when the grass could easily appear greener and more appealing somewhere else.
one.
birthing her truly seems to have awoken fuller life in me.
and i am thankful.
and honored
to be her mama.
Filed under: being mama
though there are many things i enjoy about jeremiah being his age and asserting more independence…i can’t help but feel moments of grieving…with the knowledge that with each year comes the potential for more exposure to the difficulties and injustice of our world. life is such a roller coater ride… and i suppose that it is true that knowing sorrow, knowing heart ache also allows one to know greater joy..though it seems cruel to assert that irony. as their mama i just want to protect…provide shelter from the rawness…i find trust to be an indispensable companion on this ride…though not in control of the coarse, it is an adventure, and it is good.
visit here for my latest post…a story of much courage and insight for mamas who are faced with the decisions around the birth of subsequent children after a cesarean section…
we made it up for a bit of the common ground fair, the highlight of which was the face painting and jumping in the hay (over and over again)…
as we were standing in line for the face painting i asked jeremiah if he had decided what he may like as a design… as the completed cheeks, colored with butterflies, spider webs, and flowers walked out of the tent…jeremiah said he was thinking about it…
when he sat down, he did not hesitate with his request for a design: “i want a black stripe on my cheeks, a yellow dot on my chin, some dots on my forehead and a black ladder on my neck” fair enough…
on our way home in the car i asked what inspired his design.
his reply: “i was thinking about how my bones looked…i closed my eyes and turned them in the other way so i could see my bones and that was the design i saw”…perfect.
the bean stayed very entertained with all the good energy and enjoyed a bit of hay play herself.
we also briefly connected with our beautiful long time friends (caren has a beautifully inspiring blog here) who were on their way back to nh after a full weekend.
a beautiful fall day.
