on pause

touching the pause button recently, unplugging a bit on-line…gathering time to consider how i want to bring myself and my intention and attention to this space, other cyber-spaces, and spaces in general.

i am in the midst of a 10 day “master cleanse” day six of nothing but lemons, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper with water and teas, an interesting experiment rooted in seeking clarity on many levels in many ways…it has aided me in the process of slowing down and paying more attention…and created space for courage and re-consideration…

grandmama spider

we have been noticing (though it doesn’t require much attention) how many busy mama, (papa), and grandmother spiders there are finding a home under the eaves of our roof…

in our crowded, busy lives we seldom have the chance to slow down and inquire as to what lessons we may gleam from the things that show up in our lives (including even that small things…like these amazingly diligent spiders)… noticing what the earth and her beautiful creatures may be reflecting back…

not too long ago in our history as a species we paid close attention to these wise teachers… and so i became curious and inquired and came across this interpretation of what she , this beautiful grandmama spider may be asking us to pay attention to…

the following is a bit of what i came upon as i considered the ancient insights of those who have come before us, who noticed what amazing teachers we have access to in our midst at all times…in the fabric of our eco-system that we live and breathe, but often take for granted…

“Many stories exist about the weaver, Grandmother spider, her web bound all things together and formed the foundation of earth. In another story she carried on her back the gift of fire in a basket that she wove and presented it to the people…

These legends give the spider a link to the past and the future, birth and creation.  When the spider crawls into our awareness it is asking us to rebuild the web of our life in accordance with the design the creator gave us.

Spiders differ from insects in having eight legs rather than six and in having the body divided into two parts rather than three. The number eight laid on its side is the symbol for infinity.  The number two implies the union of two forces joined together. Together they equal ten.  Drop the zero and you are back to the starting point of one. The hidden message of spider is unity.

The construction of a web is linked to the geometry of creation. In the construction of an orb web the spider releases a sticky silken thread into the wind.  If the breeze carries the thread to a spot where it sticks the first bridge is formed.  Spider cautiously crosses the line reinforcing it with a second.  This process continues until a frame is constructed in which the web can secure itself.  Bridges serve as a link tying all things together and remind us of our interconnectedness to all life.

The spider shows us that the past, the present and the future are all interwoven.  It awakens our intuitive creative senses and encourages us to design the fabric of our lives from our souls original intention.

Because spiders are actually very delicate they embody the energy of gentleness.  Spiders are not usually aggressive unless they are defending their lives. They move forward in all situations with a gentle strength. In man, the bite of a poisonous spider symbolizes a death, rebirth process. Poison enters the nervous system and the body either transmutes it or falls victim to its venom and dies.

The spider signifies the tapestry of life.  The web we weave is the reality we experience. Choosing the appropriate path is one of the lessons associated with the spider.”

such a generous and wise teacher…

who are the teachers in your life that may offer you some insight and encouragement toward living life in a fuller way… what are these many teachers reflecting back to you today?

right. now.

i was reminded again recently what great zen masters children can be…

calling into question all of our bs and stripping us bare of all of our notions of having any answers or control…

reminding us that all we have to work with

is. right. now.

oh that i would have the courage to listen and live into this wisdom more often…

but i continue to seek to be open, to listen…

remembering to breathe deeply, be present, soak in the spring sun…

even if it is only occasionally…hopefully those occasions will increase as i open to welcome them.

allowing

::allowing::

i have asked this notion to be a present companion

this next time around the sun

and within this framework my hope is to welcome, 

my intention is to trust. 

beckoning courage to be gentle with myself.

allowing what is to be.

to neither forbid nor prevent.

i love the ideas found in synonym, that also lend perspective on what this notion may mean along the way:

admitt

acknowledge

approve

authorize

be game for

commission

consent

empower

free up

grant permission

give the go ahead

indulge

let

okay

pass on

recognize

release

being here now

the difficulty is…in this moment…the sacred hour in the day when the busy bean rests…where do i plant my feet “now” in order to simply “be”.

jeremiah is conscientious of this being time for mama to have space and he is taking his own…so it is quiet.

and presently being here now is very loaded for me you see.

i did a bit of yoga…but was impatient with the process and could not turn the to-do list off…as many of those things indeed are things that are challenging to do when the bean is up in action…and having to seize the business day hours….with knowing that my energy level at night is minimal (if at all) these days…

i want to write, i want to create, i want to read, i want to have quiet…un-interupted.

and yes there are ways to integrate all of these desires throughout my day, with kiddos under foot and maybe there is peace to be found in this season in that, as that is where i most often am. and this shifting has reminded me that there is an amazing amount of beauty found in that…being present to what is vs. spending energy wishing for a shift of circumstance.

and there is wisdom to be found in looking at “the interruption”…something to hear in it.

oh what to do with this binding notion that i must be effective, efficient, patient, conscientious, flexible, as well as accomplished (all in measurable, simultaneous,and quantifiable ways) to be proven valuable…or rather to prove to myself that i have value?

what a harsh, unforgiving boss i am to myself at times.

so here i am. now. trying to minimize my expectations of outcome…letting go of this notion that it can somehow be controlled.

here are some photos of our snow shoe outing earlier today…at the abandoned “green house” in the woods that we often venture to explore.

this shift

this is how we feel (in relation to each other) some moments of some days…and it is this shift asking this simple question that often allows me to preserve my sanity…”what is it that you (my child) are teaching me…what is it that is being reflected back to me in my response to you and your being/questioning/testing”…often it begins with being asked to slow down and be present: something that is hard to come by…with the pace that i tend to maintain internally.  

last night i began to read finding the deep river within by abby seixas as part of the women’s circle i am participating in.  this coming circle is entitled “balace-schmalantz”…very appropriate for re-entry into the new year as i have “started fresh” with: again piling on super-human expectation on myself.

the first chapter of finding the deep river within nailed it in this paragraph:

“The truth is that personal inadequacy is not the root of the probelm.  In fact, we are all asking the wrong question.  Instead of asking “What is wrong with me?” as we try not sink under the pressure of the to-do lists, we should be asking, “What is wrong with this picture”.

yes…in general we do tend to be quite familiar with the ways we fall short and those ways are often present in my awareness at times.  my continued intention is to practice this shift in those moments…maybe it is more about the tapping into the shifting than this perceived notion of perfect balance…maybe it is not something inherently “wrong with me”…just maybe it is something wrong with the expectation.  

so presently (and maybe infinitely) we are in the position were both justin and i have to work to make ends meet…thankfully we have been able to get a bit creative (he works a 4 day week and i work 3) but the pace of life is fast and full…we live in the woods, which is a gift, but it requires lots of driving, which lengthens our days and cuts into time to be present.  

tapping into this beautiful world of blog i have found tension in both being very inspired by lives of women who seem to be mothering and doing family life as i may “idealize” and allowing it to perpetuate the notion of not being enough…it continues to help to tap into the shift, to not compare..as that is not what brings fullness of life…if anything i find focusing on what “i am not able to be” stifles my own growth and contribution to the world. the expectation i put on myself is not compatible with the juggling that my context requires and that is ok and it can even be rich and full…and how freeing to put that self-defeating energy toward what my context and circumstance really is vs. what i “wish it was”…and with that, i am coming to glimpse the reality that my rose colored glasses perspective of others’ contexts is pretty die hard (and at times brilliantly pink) which can be a gift at times but is certainly not realistic or helpful.

we are as a family working on streamlining certain aspects of our lives, creating new systems, limiting others…which will certainly be helpful but my hope in this new year is to continue to bring awareness of these ever present potential to shift.

the grass is green here…

this is something i have really been intending to re-direct myself back to.

to be intentional about sitting in and being present to.

it is really hard at times.

especially when i am feeling snowed in, literally and figuratively.

it has been intense recently, overwhelmingly intense even, and i find myself wanting out.

in the past 13 years i have moved approximately 19 times…between 3 different countries and 7 different states.

each move was intentional, not casual…there was a loaded hope and desire to be “faithful” to life and all of the variables in it…

and i have come to realize that in my becoming more rooted (intentionally) how part of that hope was that i would arrive in that greener place, but i found when i landed, somehow that brilliance of the grass had faded and it was suddenly more appealing “next door”.    i have awoken to the color of the landscape being a reflection of my own fertility so to speak…and my hope and desire is to cultivate and mindfully nurture the place where i am in life NOW.

even when it feels really hard and i start to wish this and that away and wish this or that into being.

we built a rocket and i may just go for a ride to the moon (aka our living room)…the trick (or one of them anyways) is being present even in the escape…to know peace in the midst of resistance, when the grass could easily appear greener and more appealing somewhere else.

coming home

…the retreat was a rich, full journey indeed, the depths of the impact are still and will continue to be unfolding within and without me…

for now i will attempt to give you a glimpse of my time…

such power was found and reflected in the stories of the women who gathered…space was made among us to live brilliantly, without apology and with generous welcome.

one of the workshops i attended was called “Writing from Within: Becoming the Midwife of Your Own Journey” facilitated by this amazing woman. we explored the “hero(ine’s) journey” and particularly focused on entering into ”the abyss”, that represents the greatest challenge of the heroine’s journey, here is where the heroine is asked to identify and go on to slay “the/her dragon”.

though i am sure that i have not fully identified all of the ins and outs of my dragon, i do know that what i know of it has indeed kept me from living out the fullness of my gift to the world. the nut shell version (or at least a hint) of my dragon can be found here…

that dragon was around this weekend, but didn’t seem to have much power over me, and i thankfully managed to see and trust that this dragon is being/ and will continue to be slayed with intention…

it was a deep blessing to be in the midst of such beautiful women who are each seeking in their own ways to live out their fullest potential, indeed it was inspiring, encouraging, and life giving.

i was lended the courage not to hide and i am thankful.

this amazing woman wrote a post about the weekend. as did this one. i am hoping to post a link to some photos soon…

::thirty days of thanksgiving::thirty

thankful for slow days…

we had one yesterday and they are so very rare these days…and it is even more rare that i can slow down to enjoy them…my internal clock seems to be wound quite tight with the juggling act that life can be…

after our biking adventure…we were able to make some cards out on the deck and i was suddenly struck with an awareness…

that i have been glimpsing something that has been so rare for me… i had to find a piece to scrap paper to write it down… i was struck with the realization that i have had so much difficulty being present for so long… due in part to many variables…

my not knowing deep contentment,  my not knowing how to welcome myself and all of my unfolding (extending grace to everyone but myself), and my perception of myself having not “arrived”, (in a nutshell not really liking myself)… i was struck in that moment that i was truly savoring myself and the present in the present…”not subconsciously pre-occupied with the thought that the grass was bound to be greener somewhere else even in that moment”…

i know my interaction with this awareness will continue to eb and flow and that i certainly have not fully “arrived” (whatever that means) but somehow I am making peace with the unfolding…welcoming what arises…being mindful about not beating myself up for where i am in the present…and continuing to be gentle on myself.

thank you for those of you who have welcomed me on this journey as well… i am indeed very thankful for each of you.

as an expression of gratitude i would like to have a card give away…if you leave a comment on this post your name will be entered into a drawing to be drawn a week from today (9/25) for two blank cards out of my emerging collection… i would love to hear what you all are thankful for these days…

student mama

i am finding such a positive shift in my parental perspective with the recognition of my status of student (as is often said children are great teachers)…

and with that i am experiencing an interesting tension these days…this real emerging sense of urgency, to invest in my growth in areas of deep interest, as it seems a cloud has lifted more recently (though i have seen glimpses of this emerging potential in the past i am somehow trusting into the sustainability of it). this tapping into my creativity and allowing it to unfold.. for some time there has been little trust and much contraction and somehow for some recent time i am able to rest in the fact that it will be sustained.  not to say that i don’t have moments of panic, that somehow i will suddenly lose all of my creative potential (sounds crazy to say out loud but it is part of how my subconscious works). so therein lies my tension to a large degree, during those times i start to panic and feel like i “should” have been there done that yesterday (or wish i had, or at least that i was further along than i feel i am) at this time of having two young kiddos who require a lot (if not all) of my energy and to top it all off i am not a night person (when i might have to time to pursue “my own thing” uninterrupted)

so i began this post awhile ago now and i pulled it up earlier this evening, hoping to get in a bit of writing time in…and in the meantime i have had plenty of time to practice the whole student of child (and student to the present thing in general) idea. selah fell asleep in the car on the way home from work today at 7:30, she had cried for about a half hour (very sad for us both)…she was “tired” as she had only cat napped a few times all day for my mom…so i think “perfect, maybe she will be down for the rest of the night and i can have some time to do a bit of yoga and write” so i get home, do some things around the house, lug an absurd amount of trash to the end of our driveway, come back inside to her crying in the bedroom.  i try to inconspicuously nurse her back down for a good 20 minutes, but she is not having it, she is UP…she was over the nursing scene so i think “maybe i can wear her down”, so i strap her in the sling and go about trying to do the kinds of thing that are doable with a sleepy baby strapped to you: check email intermittently while pacing back and forth, unpacking my numerous bags from the day to prepare the next days bags, changing over the laundry… nothing that allows for much time being still. meanwhile she is still wide-eyed.

again recently i have cracked the book “The No Cry Sleep Solution” seeking wisdom, this proved very helpful for jeremiah’s tendencies…late night, FOREVER to wind down guy, who was still nursing in the middle of the night when he was 2 years and 364 days old (as somehow the shift to him being 3 was enough to convince him that he was a big boy and didn’t need to nurse anymore, HALLELUJAH).  One of the things that the author suggests may make it easier for babies to wind down is to catch them at the most optimal sleepy time which she suggests, tends to start at 6:30/7:00 (for the night)…

… i am trying my damnedest to keep this child in sleepy mode, trying not to over stimulate blah, blah blah. so here I am baby in sling, back sore (really calling out for that yoga session i was hoping to get in)  and this little munchkin is seemingly wired… so i go for a walk outside, jeremiah and justin saw a family of raccoons in our woods earlier in the evening and there are loud noises in the dark woods, the thought of tripping over a raccoon in the driveway is a bit unnerving so i go back in the house for a flashlight and keep walking..my back is sore…back in the house to rock, sing, hush, hush, hush. Rock in the chair, sway standing up, she is close…then I feel on the back of her pjs a wet, sticky spot, I ask justin, “is that poop”, “yes” of coarse it is poop so i have to change the whole ensemble, selah coming alive with smiles and laughter as i lay her down to change her (one of her most favorite activities)…

enough is a enough of all the details, bottom line:she didn’t fall asleep until 10:15 and i ran out of steam to get on my yoga mat though i may attempt after this processing….  so during this long drawn out affair I am trying not to fear that selah is wired just like jeremiah, which means there will be many night like this, tyring to be present, enjoy the closeness and try to tap into this notion of being student in this process, even recognize it as an opportunity for growth.  certainly i was able to practice patience (which is a daily mandatory practice of parenting) which will inform (and hopefully enrich) who i am on all levels…i do desire to be a patient person, and this is certainly good training ground.

and again i realized that in each moment there are choices.  this opportunity to allow my young children and all their demands to teach me is fleeting and beautiful and yes i can continue to trust the unfolding even in the midst of it. i am learning and growing in deep ways…and i do love being a mom and i love these little beings with a ferocity that brings me to life, they are true gifts and i can welcome that in all its challenges or resent it…i could talk about all the many choices i have at each moment further but it is 11:45, and i really want to stretch.