yesterday was one of those days that a lot of fire arose in me…which is something i often have difficulty welcoming…i had such little patience and was quick to anger. my natural tendency when this arises tends to be to dissociate…buried in shame and guilt… feeling bad for those around me that have to endure the surfacing fire, that not even i know the origins of completely…
and though residing and being present in and to that space did not feel good initially…i decided to try an experiment…in the spirit of the committment i made to myself nearly a year ago…playing with this whole notion of allowing…and i found that when i was conscious of releasing myself from the unrealistic expectation of who and what i “should” be in every moment…i was able to see the cleansing work that was in process…as if a fire was clearing out the unresolve, the lingering residue of both conscious and unconscious origin…
these spaces demand the definition of definitive boundaries and that my need be asserted in order to allow the fire to do its work…letting my children know that i needed space to ground and breathe (as we often remind them to do)…modeling the reality that when fire arises (as it will) there is something in us that needs to emerge and be given voice and we are being asked to wield its power in generative ways…and the gift that allowing this fire can be… facilitating transformation and potential for renewed perspective and clarity…
i came upon a blackberry bush on a walk in the woods. it was just sleeping selah and i, as jeremiah was in school…nap time has been creating a space in my days that i am not used to having…time that is uninterrupted and the only demands on me are the ones i put on myself (to be as efficient and “productive” with that time as is humanly possible)…
i was struck with how very quiet this walk in the woods was…i then noticed 10 beautiful blackberries along the side of the path. i stopped, checking to make sure the lack of motion would not awaken selah, and then proceeded to enjoy a few of the perfectly sun-warmed, ripened berries…
i then noticed my hesitation as i reached for the others…is there a way i could transport and save these little treasures to share with selah when she awakes and offer jeremiah a glimpse of the wood’s offerings when he returned home from school?…then noticing how they were satisfying a bit of thirst that i had worked up on this sunny afternoon… and reflecting on what a natural first inclination it is for me as a mama to often think of my babies needs or desires before my own…
i was then struck with this tension that i have been sitting in the midst of … having recently sent jeremiah off to his first year of school…with all of our wrestlings and reservations…having weighed each considered variable…knowing that at this time we are not able to execute our most ideal school plan for him…noticing the tension in this dilemma: the surfacing subconscious belief that i have more control in the universe than i ultimately do…
it is true that parents have such a hugely important role in nurturing these beings that have been gifted into our lives…and that to an extent we co-create our (and our children’s) realities…and that we very often have choices in how we perceive our circumstances….
but these question arose in me after having picked the berries, loosely carrying them in my hand and continuing on my way…
do i trust that the universe (including the other people in it) will provide good things for my children (even if i am not orchestrating it or even conscious of it)? will they miss out on the gifts that are so abundant in this beautiful, complex world if i do not point them out or give them to them?
we all indeed have our own stories, colored with various textures and elements…and as a mama, my hope is to encourage jeremiah and selah to have confidence and faith in their own…to trust that the universe is gracious…that joy and healing are abundant even if also are the injustice and tears…
and i know too that as i continue to allow myself to listen to and nurture my own needs, i am better able to be present to theirs…in a ways that allows for growth… leaving them room to experience the gifts and grace that are available in all contexts…
…and with that i arrived home with empty hands (though streaked with purple berry stains)…
experience
all things with the enthusiasm of a child,
as if you were seeing it for the first time.
always aware.
always new.
i was reminded again recently what great zen masters children can be…
calling into question all of our bs and stripping us bare of all of our notions of having any answers or control…
reminding us that all we have to work with
is. right. now.
oh that i would have the courage to listen and live into this wisdom more often…
but i continue to seek to be open, to listen…
remembering to breathe deeply, be present, soak in the spring sun…
even if it is only occasionally…hopefully those occasions will increase as i open to welcome them.
with the intention to notice the beauty that fills my life…
jeremiah was engaged in creating one of his many inventions and (as is usually the case) had to make a mad dash to the to the bathroom (due to his general tendency to wait until the very last moment)…
…from the bathroom he makes this inquiry…
“mom, what do you is more important learning or going to the bathroom?”
“what do you think?” (i reply)
and he concludes…
“the bathroom…or maybe learning is is a weensie bit more important…but i think papa is a good problem solver because he reads when he goes to the bathroom.”
the difficulty is…in this moment…the sacred hour in the day when the busy bean rests…where do i plant my feet “now” in order to simply “be”.
jeremiah is conscientious of this being time for mama to have space and he is taking his own…so it is quiet.
and presently being here now is very loaded for me you see.
i did a bit of yoga…but was impatient with the process and could not turn the to-do list off…as many of those things indeed are things that are challenging to do when the bean is up in action…and having to seize the business day hours….with knowing that my energy level at night is minimal (if at all) these days…
i want to write, i want to create, i want to read, i want to have quiet…un-interupted.
and yes there are ways to integrate all of these desires throughout my day, with kiddos under foot and maybe there is peace to be found in this season in that, as that is where i most often am. and this shifting has reminded me that there is an amazing amount of beauty found in that…being present to what is vs. spending energy wishing for a shift of circumstance.
and there is wisdom to be found in looking at “the interruption”…something to hear in it.
oh what to do with this binding notion that i must be effective, efficient, patient, conscientious, flexible, as well as accomplished (all in measurable, simultaneous,and quantifiable ways) to be proven valuable…or rather to prove to myself that i have value?
what a harsh, unforgiving boss i am to myself at times.
so here i am. now. trying to minimize my expectations of outcome…letting go of this notion that it can somehow be controlled.
here are some photos of our snow shoe outing earlier today…at the abandoned “green house” in the woods that we often venture to explore.
Filed under: mama being
a little experiment:
start time 1/14 at 12:30 p.m.
end time 1/14 at 1:25 p.m.
How fast does a rocket go?
How do they make soap?
How does celery clean your blood?
Can it be done?
Is that half of the carrot?
I eated one celery and half a carrot and the whole sandwich didn’t i do good?
What was going on in there?
When did she fall asleep?
Are these regular?
Is this made of seeds?
What if you were a bumble bee?
Do you think I would be a bumble bee too?
If I was a bumble bee do you think when after I am a teenager will I be the king instead of the queen?
Have you ever lived in China?
What?
Some things you can’t put back together huh(…like papa’s tape that broke)?
Do you know what comes after 5 on this thing?
What else mom?
Can you help me mom?
How do you know?
See how that gets bigger and bigger and bigger?
What if I didn’t have socks on when I put my boots on?
See how this works?
Mom, where did you put the pile of snowflakes we made?
Can you help me with my zipper?
26 questions in less than an hour…
he is ever so curious indeed;)
this is something i have really been intending to re-direct myself back to.
to be intentional about sitting in and being present to.
it is really hard at times.
especially when i am feeling snowed in, literally and figuratively.
it has been intense recently, overwhelmingly intense even, and i find myself wanting out.
in the past 13 years i have moved approximately 19 times…between 3 different countries and 7 different states.
each move was intentional, not casual…there was a loaded hope and desire to be “faithful” to life and all of the variables in it…
and i have come to realize that in my becoming more rooted (intentionally) how part of that hope was that i would arrive in that greener place, but i found when i landed, somehow that brilliance of the grass had faded and it was suddenly more appealing “next door”. i have awoken to the color of the landscape being a reflection of my own fertility so to speak…and my hope and desire is to cultivate and mindfully nurture the place where i am in life NOW.
even when it feels really hard and i start to wish this and that away and wish this or that into being.
we built a rocket and i may just go for a ride to the moon (aka our living room)…the trick (or one of them anyways) is being present even in the escape…to know peace in the midst of resistance, when the grass could easily appear greener and more appealing somewhere else.
one.
birthing her truly seems to have awoken fuller life in me.
and i am thankful.
and honored
to be her mama.
