i came upon a blackberry bush on a walk in the woods. it was just sleeping selah and i, as jeremiah was in school…nap time has been creating a space in my days that i am not used to having…time that is uninterrupted and the only demands on me are the ones i put on myself (to be as efficient and “productive” with that time as is humanly possible)…
i was struck with how very quiet this walk in the woods was…i then noticed 10 beautiful blackberries along the side of the path. i stopped, checking to make sure the lack of motion would not awaken selah, and then proceeded to enjoy a few of the perfectly sun-warmed, ripened berries…
i then noticed my hesitation as i reached for the others…is there a way i could transport and save these little treasures to share with selah when she awakes and offer jeremiah a glimpse of the wood’s offerings when he returned home from school?…then noticing how they were satisfying a bit of thirst that i had worked up on this sunny afternoon… and reflecting on what a natural first inclination it is for me as a mama to often think of my babies needs or desires before my own…
i was then struck with this tension that i have been sitting in the midst of … having recently sent jeremiah off to his first year of school…with all of our wrestlings and reservations…having weighed each considered variable…knowing that at this time we are not able to execute our most ideal school plan for him…noticing the tension in this dilemma: the surfacing subconscious belief that i have more control in the universe than i ultimately do…
it is true that parents have such a hugely important role in nurturing these beings that have been gifted into our lives…and that to an extent we co-create our (and our children’s) realities…and that we very often have choices in how we perceive our circumstances….
but these question arose in me after having picked the berries, loosely carrying them in my hand and continuing on my way…
do i trust that the universe (including the other people in it) will provide good things for my children (even if i am not orchestrating it or even conscious of it)? will they miss out on the gifts that are so abundant in this beautiful, complex world if i do not point them out or give them to them?
we all indeed have our own stories, colored with various textures and elements…and as a mama, my hope is to encourage jeremiah and selah to have confidence and faith in their own…to trust that the universe is gracious…that joy and healing are abundant even if also are the injustice and tears…
and i know too that as i continue to allow myself to listen to and nurture my own needs, i am better able to be present to theirs…in a ways that allows for growth… leaving them room to experience the gifts and grace that are available in all contexts…
…and with that i arrived home with empty hands (though streaked with purple berry stains)…
but i arrived in full on active labor…the laboring woman was AMAZING…i was truely in awe.
two and half hours after I arrived she was pushing and the baby was not liking it one bit…same pattern as her first that resulted in c-section…and before we all knew it she was rushed away to have surgery…
literally as soon as she was wheeled away i heard my phone indicate i had a voice mail…it was justin saying that our wee one was in trouble…he was thinking about bringing her to the emergency room….panic.
so regretfully i had to get in the car and head home, without seeing, loving, and affirming amazing mama and welcoming baby…it didn’t at all feel right to leave…
i entered in so deeply into her labor and then took off to the next emergency…(which indeed was also a bit unnerving)
so….apparently one of my break lights is out…and on my way home from the hospital i was pulled over.. and apparently my registration is 150 days past due (bad assumption that it is due the same month as inspection:()…so i was summonsed to court. (are you laughing yet)…
(when i briefly explained the situation to the nice officer he said…”while i go do some paperwork, why don’t you get on your phone and call your husband and tell him about 911…not nice…
the good news is selah seemed to fair very well that the evening upon my return (there are many variables to her pain that i will not get into now…) but she was up from 2:30-5:30 very much uncomfortable…we got in the tub together, rocked, and took lots of walks with her in the sling (i am eternally grateful to a skunk who we got 5 feet from, who did not spray us…that may have been the straw).
we brought her to the dr.’s the next morning and she is ok….nothing life threatening….and i too am okay…(after a brief breakdown upon my arrival to my office on monday afternoon) and some good processing in the meantime.
…if i didn’t know better i would think the universe was trying to tell me something…
(to which jess inquired…”what do you think the universe may be trying to tell you?”)
hmmmm….i think the bottom line of the universe’s message goes something like this…
“even when you are rooted in and living out from the most powerful, embodied, at peace with your self and your place in the world space (as seems imaginable)…(as that’s how i was feeling at the end of the retreat)…
it is not humanly (or otherwise) possible to please and/or meet the needs of everyone/everything at any given time…
a good thing to be reminded of…as that seems to be an ongoing trap for me.
