welcome fear
if it arrives
make it at home
re-assure it
allow it to rest
in the peace that comes with trust
it is tired of the fight
that is it’s existance
ask it what it has to teach you today
about holding too tightly
about this needing to know
about peace
i came upon a blackberry bush on a walk in the woods. it was just sleeping selah and i, as jeremiah was in school…nap time has been creating a space in my days that i am not used to having…time that is uninterrupted and the only demands on me are the ones i put on myself (to be as efficient and “productive” with that time as is humanly possible)…
i was struck with how very quiet this walk in the woods was…i then noticed 10 beautiful blackberries along the side of the path. i stopped, checking to make sure the lack of motion would not awaken selah, and then proceeded to enjoy a few of the perfectly sun-warmed, ripened berries…
i then noticed my hesitation as i reached for the others…is there a way i could transport and save these little treasures to share with selah when she awakes and offer jeremiah a glimpse of the wood’s offerings when he returned home from school?…then noticing how they were satisfying a bit of thirst that i had worked up on this sunny afternoon… and reflecting on what a natural first inclination it is for me as a mama to often think of my babies needs or desires before my own…
i was then struck with this tension that i have been sitting in the midst of … having recently sent jeremiah off to his first year of school…with all of our wrestlings and reservations…having weighed each considered variable…knowing that at this time we are not able to execute our most ideal school plan for him…noticing the tension in this dilemma: the surfacing subconscious belief that i have more control in the universe than i ultimately do…
it is true that parents have such a hugely important role in nurturing these beings that have been gifted into our lives…and that to an extent we co-create our (and our children’s) realities…and that we very often have choices in how we perceive our circumstances….
but these question arose in me after having picked the berries, loosely carrying them in my hand and continuing on my way…
do i trust that the universe (including the other people in it) will provide good things for my children (even if i am not orchestrating it or even conscious of it)? will they miss out on the gifts that are so abundant in this beautiful, complex world if i do not point them out or give them to them?
we all indeed have our own stories, colored with various textures and elements…and as a mama, my hope is to encourage jeremiah and selah to have confidence and faith in their own…to trust that the universe is gracious…that joy and healing are abundant even if also are the injustice and tears…
and i know too that as i continue to allow myself to listen to and nurture my own needs, i am better able to be present to theirs…in a ways that allows for growth… leaving them room to experience the gifts and grace that are available in all contexts…
…and with that i arrived home with empty hands (though streaked with purple berry stains)…
Filed under: thoughts
“a bird does not sing because it has a question.
it sings because it has a song” ~joan anglund
“…inquiry is a wonderful thing, but today is the day to rejoice in what you already know! put down the desire to know for just one day, and rejoice in being, with no other reason than to sing your own personnal song. who cares who hears it- rejoice in the song itselaf and the ability to sign it!” ~elissa cobb
there is this internal urging that i have encountered most (if not all) days of my life thus far…the urging desire that i seek to be pleasing to other(100% of the time)…and i am starting to see that with all of that wasted energy i am selling myself short of being rooted in who i am and being able to offer my true gift to the world…
Filed under: thoughts
making it to this space is far and few between these days…the summer days drawing my energy outside… but on this grey quiet start to the day i was poking around my site and saw that this short bit had not been published…from the looks of the picture of selah below it looks like it was probably a year or so ago…but it spoke to me this morning…
this business of being finite can feel limiting but also, there is something quite freeing in tapping into the reality of our being finite, limited to time, space and capacity…not to write off that on-going hope of evolution that pushes us forward…in our infinite-y…toward our dreams and perpetual desire for more or different…but recognizing the grace in not being able to do it all…in our finite-y…that is a good place to rest sometimes…
creating space to notice …to listen to the story lines that have shaped and are shaping my life…noticing that they are not always helpful and realizing the power that i have in shaping and creating the story…therein, offering myself grace and welcome, lies such potential and hope.
that these days are fleeting…curious why i have such a hard time slowing down…it is true that there will always be things that need to get done….but these days…these days will be missed…am i really soaking them in now?
i have been loving this song today.
i hope you are enjoying this moment.
this is how we feel (in relation to each other) some moments of some days…and it is this shift asking this simple question that often allows me to preserve my sanity…”what is it that you (my child) are teaching me…what is it that is being reflected back to me in my response to you and your being/questioning/testing”…often it begins with being asked to slow down and be present: something that is hard to come by…with the pace that i tend to maintain internally.
last night i began to read finding the deep river within by abby seixas as part of the women’s circle i am participating in. this coming circle is entitled “balace-schmalantz”…very appropriate for re-entry into the new year as i have “started fresh” with: again piling on super-human expectation on myself.
the first chapter of finding the deep river within nailed it in this paragraph:
“The truth is that personal inadequacy is not the root of the probelm. In fact, we are all asking the wrong question. Instead of asking “What is wrong with me?” as we try not sink under the pressure of the to-do lists, we should be asking, “What is wrong with this picture”.
yes…in general we do tend to be quite familiar with the ways we fall short and those ways are often present in my awareness at times. my continued intention is to practice this shift in those moments…maybe it is more about the tapping into the shifting than this perceived notion of perfect balance…maybe it is not something inherently “wrong with me”…just maybe it is something wrong with the expectation.
so presently (and maybe infinitely) we are in the position were both justin and i have to work to make ends meet…thankfully we have been able to get a bit creative (he works a 4 day week and i work 3) but the pace of life is fast and full…we live in the woods, which is a gift, but it requires lots of driving, which lengthens our days and cuts into time to be present.
tapping into this beautiful world of blog i have found tension in both being very inspired by lives of women who seem to be mothering and doing family life as i may “idealize” and allowing it to perpetuate the notion of not being enough…it continues to help to tap into the shift, to not compare..as that is not what brings fullness of life…if anything i find focusing on what “i am not able to be” stifles my own growth and contribution to the world. the expectation i put on myself is not compatible with the juggling that my context requires and that is ok and it can even be rich and full…and how freeing to put that self-defeating energy toward what my context and circumstance really is vs. what i “wish it was”…and with that, i am coming to glimpse the reality that my rose colored glasses perspective of others’ contexts is pretty die hard (and at times brilliantly pink) which can be a gift at times but is certainly not realistic or helpful.
we are as a family working on streamlining certain aspects of our lives, creating new systems, limiting others…which will certainly be helpful but my hope in this new year is to continue to bring awareness of these ever present potential to shift.
this is something i have really been intending to re-direct myself back to.
to be intentional about sitting in and being present to.
it is really hard at times.
especially when i am feeling snowed in, literally and figuratively.
it has been intense recently, overwhelmingly intense even, and i find myself wanting out.
in the past 13 years i have moved approximately 19 times…between 3 different countries and 7 different states.
each move was intentional, not casual…there was a loaded hope and desire to be “faithful” to life and all of the variables in it…
and i have come to realize that in my becoming more rooted (intentionally) how part of that hope was that i would arrive in that greener place, but i found when i landed, somehow that brilliance of the grass had faded and it was suddenly more appealing “next door”. i have awoken to the color of the landscape being a reflection of my own fertility so to speak…and my hope and desire is to cultivate and mindfully nurture the place where i am in life NOW.
even when it feels really hard and i start to wish this and that away and wish this or that into being.
we built a rocket and i may just go for a ride to the moon (aka our living room)…the trick (or one of them anyways) is being present even in the escape…to know peace in the midst of resistance, when the grass could easily appear greener and more appealing somewhere else.
wow… i am realizing how difficult it it for me to admit that i am tired…it as if i fear if i admit it it will hold more power over me, and maybe there is something to that…but i am feeling the need to get it out there…so there is it.
and with that, i am okay…(as if you need to be re-assured that when i admit weakness)…
it has been an intense time. my heart is heavy with much (as if my bearing the weight of it all will change anything)…dear friends who are headed for divorce…sick family members…daunting, job threatening cuts at work…we could all have our own long list of those things that are broken and need fixing…and i continue to bump my head up against the reality that, no matter how hard i try, i do not have that power…over my life or the lives of others.
and thankfully i am learning, trusting, waiting, breathing. listening. getting more and more prone to focusing on that which i am thankful for…even welcoming the challenges and being thankful for the great teacher they are…with open hands.
i recently realized (on the other side of a slow and evolving move away from the christian tradition) that with that evolution i dissociated with the practice of worship. i realized that i crave that…a great, full body and mind surrender to something bigger than myself and my finite realities. it has been so good to re-tap into this desire (and need) in my yoga practice and mindfulness practices…trusting that which is unknown and shifting to receive it as good…or simply just as it is…after all what is it that informs the notion that our experience can be that easily categorized…
so with that i rest in being tired and call it what is…in this moment…offering myself grace and welcome even in this space and giving thanks to the universe for its bounty.
last week i began participation in a circle of women entitled “on becoming a woman”, organized and facilitated by this amazing woman.
the first months circle was framed by the hope to take time to revel in our mystery of being women. an opportunity to ”acknowledge and savor the many gifts we bring to this world as women”…with hopes to “surface the many “secrets” and pieces of wisdom that women can and have passed on to each other”…
this gathering will be an important part of my path.
i had a rainy, slow morning yesterday and with it a chance for the prior night’s conversations to do some work in me…
as i realize i continue to toil in my efforts to get it right…to be “enough”…and the way i desire to live and inform other women’s lives in becoming women is to listen to and live out of the wisdom we have known and held as women.
fruit does sometimes manifest from toil and labor…and with that posture it is sometimes hard to receive it…it is also also available NOW in rest and welcome…it is ready and ripe…
my hope is that i can offer myself the grace to receive it, to welcome it, and to surrender to it being born.
birth happens despite us… there is nothing one can do to stop it…despite us…birthing emerges in its own timing. it swells, it contracts, it urges, it hurts, it opens. it is grace. my hope is that i can live in a posture of welcome, with all of its messiness and mystery. tapping into the wisdom of the ancients that is in our dna as women…
it is damp and cold today and we have our wood stove burning. i have moved closer and i am reminded of that wisdom…do you remember…when it was that easy…when we found divinity in the fire…the giver of light, warmth, energy and life? there is something really freeing to tap into in that, as trust seems to get so complex…knowing all that we know and don’t know.
i am comforted to rest in that, next to the fire… “reveling in our mystery”.
i like this idea… “ a week in the life” (documenting; through glimpses of photos and words, an ordinary week of your life)…and i am thinking about giving it a go on some level…but i seem to be lacking a bit of optimism presently… i am in a word: overwhelmed. overwhelmed by the limitations of time and and limitless (limited) potential these days…which is actually a really refreshing dilemma, but overwhelming none-the-less.
and i guess i really have a hard time with not being able to do it all (duh:) and feeling a bit spread thin with my attempts…
so for now…here is a glimpse of a day…in all that it has been thus far…in its imperfection, frustration, connection, laughter, lack of connection, impatience, patience, contractions, tears, mis-communications, anger, wrestlings, and deep love…
last night i had a hard time winding down…(feeling a bit discouraged overall…and recently with a seeming lack of connection (even disconnection) with jeremiah, like i can’t quite get at where he is at times…so…in the near dark as i was attempting to fall asleep i jotted down these 5 things that i wanted to intend for today as follows:
5
be present
enjoy
rest
wonder
create
and the fact is now at the near end of the day, it has been on ok day, but it has been very difficult at times and i am feeling a bit discouraged…
we have in fact managed to do a bit of creating, dancing, walking, and even enjoying with wonder making a few appearances here and there…and overall i guess i could say it has been a restful day…but not a “smooth” one….one with waves of conflict and miscommunication…one on which i didn’t always feel like a good mom and i just wanted to call it quits at times (like that is an option while parenting….) and i have not felt super accomplished in my intention of being present…
i recognize the tensions…i do…and i continue to try to tap into grace…i think the biggest hurdle for me is trying to make peace with anger, specifically my own and also allowing it to be seen it in others…this is not easy for me, in fact it is really hard!
true confessions: i feel like a “bad person” even when i just feel angry (outside of the “righteous” kind, ie. for the injustice in the world) and even more so when i express it (god forbid!) and i know too, that it is important (even necessary) to help model anger in a healthy way to jeremiah, that he may come to peace with his own anger…that is inevitable in life, (certainly necessary), and even good… and i recognize that my withholding my anger in infinite patience it is not a realistic (or helpful) world to try to “create” for him (to protect him?)…
so there it is…just a glimpse of a day in a life.
